The Rocky Road I've Traveled

For years, I have struggled with my weight.  I have never been a small person.  Even as a child, I was always one of the "fat kids."  I was over 9 pounds when I was born!  Although I have never been happy with my weight, I have always had excuses for why I didn't have time, money, etc. to do anything about it.  I'm sure the only person buying my story was me!

In high school, I was not HUGE, but it was hard for me because a lot of my friends were very thin.  I was always jealous of their figures and how they could eat whatever they wanted without gaining weight.  My self-esteem was horrible!  I felt like I was lucky to be friends with them because I didn't deserve to hang out with people who were so much more attractive than me.  I dated a lot (mostly long-term relationships) in high school and early college years, but I think I put up with a lot of crap from guys because I didn't think I could do any better.  Just like any teenage girl, I crushed after the hottest, most popular guys at school and in the media... but I never thought in a million years I was good enough for them.

I got very lucky in 2002 at the very end of my freshman year of college when I met a cute guy online.  He sent me pictures of him, and I was so excited to see that he was a tall blonde with blue eyes and part of a fraternity.  This was pretty much my dream guy during college.  After talking for about 2 weeks, we decided to meet in person.  I was not (and still am not) sure what attracted him to me, but I'm sure glad something did because I am still with him today and can't imagine my life without him and our beautiful son!

I tried very hard before my wedding back in 2005 to lose weight.  At the time, I thought I was so fat!  I worked out 3 times a week and gave up soda completely for 3 months, but I only managed to lose 8 pounds.  I know looking back that it was my portion sizes that held me back.  I would tell myself that because I ate a grilled chicken sandwich instead of a hamburger, I could eat ALL the fries.  I would tell myself that since I had a salad for lunch, I could have a large ice cream concrete for dessert.  Basically, I sabotaged myself!

In 2008, I started going to Zumba with a friend of mine.  It was a blast, and I loved it!   I sometimes went 2-3 times a week, and I lost 25 lbs. in 3 months.  After 3 months though, I got really sick for 2 weeks and couldn't go.  After getting out of the habit, I really struggled to make myself start going again and eventually stopped altogether.  Over the past 5 years, I have gone off and on and always love it, but my motivation to get there has just not been there.  I will go 2 times a week for about a month.  Then I will miss one class and not go again for a year!  It's an awful cycle!

In 2010, I gave birth to my wonderful son, Jameson (who I am sure will be mentioned on a regular basis!), broke both of my legs, was working on my Master's Degree, and started my first year teaching kindergarten.  To say the least, I was a very busy and overwhelmed person!  This only made the problem worse!  I had spent the last 3 months of my pregnancy in a wheelchair, unable to walk due to the broken legs.  I also was so busy with a newborn (he was born in September), my homework for my Master's classes, and all the paperwork and planning of a first year teacher (plus getting things ready for a sub for my maternity leave) that my husband and I relied heavily on fast food restaurants to feed us for months.    Unfortunately, I have always loved going out to eat, whether it be fast food or an elegant sit-down restaurant.  This is still one of our biggest problems today!

In 2011, my mom and I decided to start Weight Watchers.  We thought about doing it online, but we had heard that going to the meetings was much more helpful and held you accountable because of the weekly weigh-ins.  We started on April 3rd.  My birthday was April 5th, and we were getting together as a family to celebrate my little cousin and my birthday together.  It was a Friday night and the entire family decided to get Pizza Hut and Dairy Queen ice cream cake for dinner.  I somehow had managed to use barely any points earlier in the day, only at 2 pieces of pizza, and passed on my own birthday cake!  I felt invincible!  For the next 2 months, I lost 2-3 lbs. each week pretty steadily and also really enjoyed getting to spend a few hours of girl time with my mom every week!  We have always been close and able to talk about anything, but I think doing this together really made us closer than ever!  In June, my husband and I took a long overdue honeymoon trip to a Sandals resort in St. Lucia for a week!  I told myself I was not going to go crazy, but I was going to eat what I wanted without counting points and enjoy myself.  That was my downfall!  I came back and had gained 5 lbs. that week!  I didn't even think I had done that badly, but I guess I was only thinking about my food calories and not my drinks!  This was the beginning of my downward spiral.  Throughout the summer and fall, my mom and I continued to go together, and she continued to encourage me, but I was right back to my excuses of being too busy.  My mom hit her goal and was able to maintain her weight!  (I was very proud of her!)  However, I continued to either hold steady or gain it back little by little.  Around Christmas time, the expense of it just got to be too much for something that I wasn't really doing anyway, so we stopped going.

That was really the last time I actively did something to lose weight.  I am constantly telling myself (and my husband) that I'm going to start working out, eating better, eating less, running, etc.  However, I always have an excuse.  I tell myself, "Well, I will start tomorrow.  Today we are having dinner with so-and-so."  or "I'll start next week.  We really need to eat up all the junk food in the house first so it's not here to tempt me.  Throwing it away would be wasting money we don't have."  I can say for a fact that the only thing holding me back from my goal is me!  My husband is very encouraging and is even trying to offer me incentives to help motivate me.   (Last week, he said that we could put aside x number of $ for every pound I lose so that when I reach my goal we will be able to go to Disneyworld!  The problem is we don't have enough money to put $30-40 aside for each pound!  Disney is expensive!!!) 

Today I woke up and said NO MORE!  I have gained about 100 pounds since getting married 8 years ago.  I also just turned 30, and I know it's just going to get harder to lose.  Plus, I am a stressed out person who is very high-strung anyway, so the combination of that and my weight can only have a negative impact on my health.  As I said, my son is my life!  I have to make myself better so I can be around and healthy enough to enjoy him (and our future children) and teach him to take care of himself too. 

So, I am going to do my best (like I said... busy person) to post as often as possible about what I have eaten each day and what type of activity I have done.  If you see me making excuses or slacking off, CALL ME OUT!  That's why I'm doing this blog!